And Action!
by Tanba Josav
Summary: The things a Jedi will do to help a planet in need. Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda have an eye opening adventure. Bring your cameras! Parody.


**"And...Action!"**

DISCLAIMER: All the familiar names belong to the 'Great Flannelled One' the rest of them just live in my head. I'm not making a cent off this, okay?

THANKS: Goes out to Chaos for her Yoda-speak and comma corrections.

* * *

Qui-Gon could feel the sweat beading on his face as he squinted into the glare of the overhead lights. He surreptitiously brought up a hand to wipe it away but was stopped by one of Master Yoda's patented fierce glares. He sighed and once again made the resolve to endure whatever tortures the diminutive master had thought up for him. 

"Right, now," a small bespectacled man, called Nigel, stopped in front of the tall Jedi. "Do we remember what we have to do, hmm, do we?"

"Yes, I remember," Qui-Gon said. "Although I'm unsure why you need me."

"Will of the Force, this is." Yoda hobbled over to rest at Jinn's feet. "Necessary it is. For the good of the planet, this will be."

Qui-Gon nodded. "Well if it's the will of the Force then." He wiped at his brow causing the little man to scream in horror.

"Make-up," Nigel yelled. "Make-up!"

Two pretty girls giggled their way over to the Jedi. Qui-Gon bent over so they wouldn't have to strain to reach him and they proceeded to dab at his face with oversized brushes. He took the opportunity to speak privately with the little green Jedi Master.

"Where is Obi-Wan?" he asked.

"Away he is," Yoda replied. "On a tour he was sent. Looking for celebrities, I believe."

"Good," Qui-Gon sighed, causing a small cloud of dust to briefly appear in front of his face. "The less he knows of this the better."

"Hmm," Yoda tapped his chin thoughtfully on his gimer stick. "Picked Obi-Wan maybe we should. Sex appeal the boy has."

"Master!"

Yoda looked up at Qui-Gon. "Yes, wanted sexy Master Jedi they did, but not green one they decided. Still," he tapped Qui-Gon on the leg. "Do in a pinch, will you."

The two girls finished patting at Jinn's face.

"Done," one of them drawled.

"Yeah," the other one added. "Perfect." She turned abruptly and, with an exaggerated swing of her hips, tottered away followed by her gum-smacking colleague.

Nigel appeared before them again. "Right we're all set up here so if you'd come this way?" he indicated an area out of the direct glare of the lights to the diminutive master. "We can start."

Yoda hobbled his way over to a group of people and looked around. "My chair," he demanded. "Contract said a chair there would be."

"Chair," Nigel screamed. "We need a chair here."

An incredibly harried young assistant came running over dragging a large canvas chair behind her.

"Sorry," she puffed out. "The second assistant's part-time assistant forgot to tell me. It won't happen again. Can I get you anything else?"

Yoda sniffed. "No, nothing else required is."

"Right. Well in that case I'll go and make someone some coffee." The young woman ran off muttering into her headset.

Master Yoda closed his eyes and held out one small hand, instantly he started to rise. Moving gracefully he hovered above the chair for a minute before lowering himself down onto it.

"Whoa," a scruffy looking young man had watched the whole thing. "Dude have you ever thought of getting into special effects?"

Yoda crossed his legs and balanced his gimer stick on his lap. "Thought about it I have."

"Man you'd totally rock," the young man said.

"Thank you," Yoda indicated the scene in front of them. "Quiet you should be now."

The young man nodded. "Righteous," he said before moving away.

Qui-Gon stood by himself trying not to fidget too much as he listened to the harried man in front of him.

"Right," Nigel was saying. "You've just come back from a mission and you're very tired. Do you think you can do that?"

"I'm sure I can," Qui-Gon said wearily.

"Yes, yes. Just like that. Now do you remember what you have to say?"

Qui-Gon nodded.

"Splendid, splendid. You'll be perfect," Nigel slapped the tall Jedi on the arm. "Oh my, do you work out?"

Qui-Gon chose to ignore that last comment.

"Right, right. You're in the zone, I understand." Nigel smiled before scuttling back to his chair.

After he was settled down he placed a floppy felt hat on his head and picked up a large cone-shaped object. Looking around him, he held up a hand to get everyone's attention.

"Right people," he said through the cone, his voice slightly amplified. "All quiet on the set!"

The crowd quietened down and Nigel looked across at an overweight man crouching behind a bulky rectangular piece of machinery. The man gave Nigel the thumbs up gesture.

"Let's get this in the bucket, people," Nigel said. "The world's economy is counting on us."

Yoda's admirer walked in front of Qui-Gon. "Like take one, dude," he said before clapping his hands and walking away.

"Right, thank you," Nigel said. "Quiet please and... ACTION."

Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master and swordsman extraordinaire, pulled out of his robe pocket a small crystal bottle and held it up to the camera. "After a hard day of - "

"Stop, stop," Nigel screamed. "Cut!"

Qui-Gon dropped his arm. "What?"

"Yes, what?" Yoda added from deep in his chair.

"Chest," Nigel cried out. "We need more bare chest."

"We _what_?" Qui-Gon wanted to know.

There was a brief scuffle between the make-up girls as to who would carry out the orders, with bubble-gum girl winning by a hair pull. She sashayed across the studio to stand before the tall Jedi. "Allow me," she purred as she grabbed Qui-Gon's tunic and ripped it open. "Oh yes," she cried out at seeing the result.

"Master," Qui-Gon protested.

"Quiet you will be," Yoda said.

"Who's a pretty boy then?" Bubble Gum asked.

"I am," a petulant voice issued from the depths of Yoda's chair.

"Yes thank you, that will be all," Nigel said. "I said _thank you_," he was forced to add when the make-up girl refused to leave.

One of the assistant's assistants hurried over and, twisting one earring-laden ear, dragged Bubble Gum away.

"Now where were we?" Nigel asked.

"Is this really necessary?" Qui-Gon said.

"It is art, of course it's necessary," Nigel replied.

"This is so embarrassing," Qui-Gon muttered.

"All right," Nigel yelled into his cone. "Let's go again."

* * *

Obi-Wan was bored. This mission was supposed to be exciting! They were saving a world's economy from collapsing, for Force sake; quite how they were going about this he didn't know. But he _did_ know there should be some meetings at least. Hasty consultations with harried diplomats, urgent declarations and powers of emergency acts. Something!

But no, instead Master Yoda and Master Qui-Gon had disappeared behind closed doors at a recording studio - of all places - and he was left to twiddle his thumbs and be completely bored. It had come as some relief when a woman had offered to show him around, to give him the tour.

So here he was doing the tourist thing, looking completely out of place amongst the brightly clad, loud voiced visitors with their holocameras. He had lost count of the times he'd been asked to pose with tourists or take their pictures in front of various cut-out replicas of famous holo-stars.

He quickly became known as 'that nice young man in the brown overcoat thingie.'

"We are in luck today," the tour guide, with the over bright teeth and annoyingly cheerful voice, told her captive audience. "The galaxy famous director, Nigel Zacklo, is in this _very_ studio filming a _very special_ advertisement." She indicated the large building behind her. "Let's see if we can't have a peek, shall we?"

The crowd 'oohed' and 'aahed' and clutched at their respective recording devices.

The tour guide put a finger to her lips and gave an over exaggerated 'sshh.' Opening the door behind her she peered inside. Turning back to her charges she gave them the thumbs up gesture and motioned them to enter.

"Now we must remain totally quiet at _all_ _times_," she explained, leading them further into the cavernous building. "No pictures may be taken unless we're told we can and _no_ talking if you see the blue light flashing."

The group moved through the semi-darkness until they came to a closed set. Guarding the set was a huge burly Gamorrean; a species not noted for its intelligence but always useful if you needed some muscle. The tour guide walked over to the pig-like creature and stopped right in front of it. She flashed it a security pass and talked quietly, but firmly. After some gesturing on both sides the guard nodded curtly and stepped aside.

"Okay," she whispered to the group. "As you can see the light isn't on at the moment so let's quickly go inside and see if there are any famous actors to be found."

Inside the tourist group quickly moved over to a tier of seats that were normally used during the filming of talk shows. Sitting halfway up Obi-Wan sighed and looked around. He wondered what his Master was doing at the moment.

_Something important, no doubt, _he mused. _I should be helping him, not being left out of it all._

Down on the studio floor could be seen a huddle of people. Most of them didn't seem to have any sort of function at all. They were just standing around trying to look important. Others were standing a few feet in front of a single person, who was highlighted by an overhanging spotlight. These ones all looked towards a small scruffy man in a bad suit that was shouting through a cone-shaped device.

Obi-Wan stretched and looked at the person standing alone more closely. There was something about him, something familiar.

_It couldn't be, could it? _Obi-Wan leaned forward for a better look. The man standing alone was tall and beginning to grey; from what Obi-Wan could tell from this distance. He was wearing a brown robe and -

_Force no! Master?_

"All right it looks like we're about to film," the tour guide said. "So please let's all be _very quiet_."

Obi-wan made a grab for the nearest holo-camera. "I need this," he said. "It's a matter of life or death." He pointed the device down towards his master. "The other padawans will kill me if I don't get this," he muttered to himself.

"Quiet on the set," the scruffy man shouted. "And - "

* * *

" - Action." Nigel said.

Qui-Gon pulled out the bottle again and looked down the camera. "After a hard day of saving damsels in distress and mediating important diplomatic missions, a Jedi like myself needs to unwind a bit. That's why I recommend 'Charlie Horse.'" He thrust the bottle further out in front of him. "With its unique blend of citrus fruits and essences from the Alpeni Mountains this brand new cologne from the Kleinstein Conglomerate is just the thing for tired skin."

Qui-Gon unscrewed the silver top and poured a generous quantity onto the palm of his hand.

"Splash it on and _feel_ the Force!" he then proceeded to slap his cheeks repeatedly with the cologne.

"And...Cut!" Nigel yelled. "Beautiful people, just beautiful."

"Thank goodness," Qui-Gon rubbed frantically at his cheeks with a robe sleeve. "Well it's been an education," he began turning away.

"Wait, wait," Nigel yelled after him. "It _was_ beautiful but I think you can do better."

"Better?" Qui-Gon turned back in surprise. Even thought he had never wanted to do this in the first place he suddenly felt insulted that Nigel wasn't happy with, what was in Qui-Gon's personal opinion, an award winning performance.

Nigel walked over to the tall Jedi Master. "It was lovely but I just want a few more takes just to make sure."

"Well, okay," Qui-Gon said giving Yoda a resigned look, which the diminutive Jedi didn't see because he was too busy blowing froth off a cappuccino. "I guess you are the professional."

"Of course I am, dear," Nigel patted Qui-Gon on the backside, much to the Jedi's horror. "Oh nice gluts."

Nigel walked back to his chair and threw himself dramatically into it. "Where's my coffee?" he roared.

A half-empty cup floated across to him from Yoda's direction. "Sorry, I am," Yoda said. "Tasty it was."

Nigel took a deep breath, all ready to shout at the annoying little Jedi, before hissing it back out. It didn't pay to scream at the manager of your latest star. Not until the shot was in the bucket, anyway. "All right people," Nigel bellowed. "Once more from the top."

Twenty-two takes later and it was finally over. After a group hug, where Bubble Gum managed to insinuate herself next to Qui-Gon for a not so surreptitious grope, the two Jedi were finally allowed to leave.

"Am I glad that's over," Qui-Gon said, a palpable cloud of cologne wafting behind him. "I really need a shower."

"Fun that was," Yoda said to himself.

"How _exactly_ is this going to help these people's economy?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Oh," Yoda stopped walking. "Much loved and feared are the Jedi throughout the galaxy," he explained. "Many people want to be us. So when they see how product is endorsed, want to buy it they will."

Qui-Gon nodded. "Let me guess they'll buy the product in the millions and this planet has the commodity?"

"Rolling in money they will be and food the people will buy."

"Well since you put it that way," Qui-Gon was about to continue walking when a nasty thought popped into his head. "This won't ever be shown on Coruscant, will it?"

Yoda suddenly looked evasive. "Not sure I am."

"Master," Qui-Gon growled.

"Know everything I do not."

"Can I have that in writing?"

Yoda stamped his stick on the ground. "Course not." He continued walking.

* * *

Obi-Wan slipped away from the tour party right after his master and Yoda left the building. It was important that he reach his room before anyone knew he had been missing. If for no other reason than to hide the precious tape he was carrying.

_Wait until the others see what I have, _Obi-Wan thought. _I'll be able to milk this for months. And then there's the whole bribery potential, no more kitchen detail for me. I'll have Master wrapped around my little braid_

He had barely made it back in time to hide the tape when the two Jedi Masters arrived. They found the padawan sitting in a chair flicking through an entertainment magazine.

"Paper, can you believe it?" Obi-Wan waggled the cover at them. "Was the meeting constructive?"

"Yes, my apprentice," Qui-Gon replied. He slid off his robe and dumped it next to the boy.

Obi-Wan sniffed. "Hmm, you smell nice."

Qui-Gon stiffened in embarrassment. "I need a shower."

Yoda watched the tall Jedi hurry away before wandering over to Obi-Wan. "Know you do," he poked the boy in the leg. "Sensed you I did."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Obi-Wan replied.

Yoda snorted. "Lie to me, you cannot. Taped it you did."

Obi-Wan's eyes involuntarily slid towards the bed.

"Aha!" Yoda poked Obi-Wan again. "Knew it. Give me copy you will."

"No, but I might be inclined to sell you a copy for, say, fifty credits."

Yoda straightened himself to his full height. "Insulted I am. Telling your master I will."

"Alright, forty credits."

"Still telling, I am."

"Thirty credits?"

Yoda tapped his chin. "Twenty-five and a deal we have."

They both solemnly shook hands.

"As always nice doing business with you," Obi-Wan said.

"Just remember, young Jedi, thirty percent of all proceeds go towards Temple maintenance."

"I know, I know," Obi-Wan replied.

Yoda started to chuckle. "Make the most of this you should. Sell while market is hot."

"What do you mean?"

"In six months time ad will be seen on every holoscreen in Coruscant. Very famous your master will be."

Qui-Gon emerged from the steamy bathroom to see his master and apprentice giggling madly. "What's so funny?"

"Told dirty joke, I did," Yoda replied. "Not for your ears it is."

Qui-Gon just sniffed. "Pack your bags, Obi-Wan. We're going home."

"Already, Master, but I thought you still needed to negotiate terms?"

"I've done all I can here. It's up to the planet's government now."

Obi-Wan jumped off the floor and started throwing clothes into a bag.

"What about you, Master?" Qui-Gon turned to Yoda.

"No, stay here a while, I will," the green Jedi replied. "Talking with director about starring in Sit-com. Big money for Temple if pulls through."

"Then I'll see you back on Coruscant, Master," Qui-Gon said.

"See you I will," Yoda grinned. "Oh yes, see you I will!"


End file.
